You're in a tough spot Scrimmy. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
My wife and I are walking on egg shells on this subject with my mother in law as well, not because my mother in law is the one who needs to be in a home to receive better care than she gets now, but because my wife's grandmother does. She's 98, has early stage dementia that was diagnosed a little over a year ago, (although we've thought for some years now that she may have it, but she refused to see a doctor about it for years) and as dementia tends to do, her mental capacity has deteriorated since she was diagnosed. She can't hear, can't see, sits in her chair in the front room, and if nobody is home to help her get to the bathroom, even though she knows the way, she just goes where she is. My mother in law has been conditioned her entire life to be the caretaker for her parents in their later years (her dad passed away almost 9 years ago RIP) so much so that my mother in law has NEVER left home, even when she was married and had her kids (my wife and her older sister.) She's always lived with her parents in the same home she lives in today.
My wife's mother and grandmother's view on it is that it is the duty and responsibility of the children, (or other family members) to look after, and take care of their aging parents (or extended family members,) even if that means moving those aging parents in with them, or they move in with their parents, whether trained to do so, or not. They still have that view today which is why my wife's grandmother is still in her own home. Another factor in it is that apparently, prior to being diagnosed with dementia, my wife's grandmother bluntly threatened to cut my mother in law out of the will if she had her put in a home, no matter the circumstances and give everything to her older brother who lives in BC.
When my grandmother fell and broke her hip before she passed away, I was raked over the coals by my wife's mother and grandmother about the decision my parents, aunt and uncle made to have my grandmother put into a home because she'd get better care that they couldn't provide, from trained professionals . My parents went to see her every day and according to my parents, other than them, my wife and I went to see her in the home more than anyone else in the family, and we only went to see her 3-4 times per year because she'd always send us away after about 10 minutes, despite our protests. We had been to visit a week before she passed and she sent us away after only 5 minutes.
After having her hip surgery after falling, my grandmother, 91 at the time, refused to do what the doctors were all but begging her to do, get up and walk. Being legally blind and unable to see, having fallen in her own home which she knew well, she was to afraid of falling again. As a result, she spent the last 3 years of her life in a home confined to a wheelchair unable to walk. She passed away at 94, the morning of Christmas Day 2015 and although she was not where she wanted to be, in her own home, she did have a better quality of life prior to her passing than she would have had she been at home.
It's a VERY difficult decision to make, and an even harder topic to discuss with the person(s) involved, especially if they don't want to go and can prove they're mentally and physically capable of caring for themselves, or can show that they have someone competent that will see to their needs, to a doctor, a lawyer etc. I wish you good luck whichever way the decision goes.
